Scrubs Spec My Cheatin' Heart
by Aaron Stauffer
Summary: JD explores how the pursuit of comfort can get the best of humans.


SCRUBS:

"**My Cheatin' Heart"**

By

Aaron Stauffer

 Copyright 2006 Aaron Stauffer

**COLD OPENING**

**FADE IN:**

**INT. JD'S APARTMENT – KITCHEN - NIGHT**

Turk is at the stove, making JD's favorite comfort food: Grilled Cheese, made with Cheeze Whiz, instead of cheese.

JD

I sure do love your grilled cheeses. They are so… comforting.

TURK

That's right, little buddy. Comfort food coming your way.

CARLA

I don't understand. What is so comforting about eating gross food?

JD

Gross can be comfortable.

TURK

My grilled cheeses are not gross.

In any case, JD hasn't had much luck with the ladies (PAUSE) lately.

JD'S THOUGHTS

The "lately" was generous.

TURK

I realize that I'm being generous, but giving is part of the whole comfort food experience.

JD'S THOUGHTS

Aww. He knows I like it cut into triangles.

TURK

Here, my friend! From my heart to your stomach.

CARLA

This must be a new thing.

TURK

Hey! This is a time-honored tradition. I've been mending JD's heart with cheese for years now.

CARLA

Well, if you gave JD a grilled cheese every time he was rejected, he'd be hefty by now.

TURK

Yeah, and he'd be broke from buying so much Cheeze Whiz. We only make these every TEN times he experiences rejection.

JD

I resent that. I'm hefty. Aren't I?

**INT. HOSPITAL – NURSES' STATION - DAY**

Jordan and Dr. Cox are standing at the nurses' station. Jordan has their baby son in her arms.

JORDAN

So when are you coming home tonight? You have missed your son's storybook time twice already this week.

DR. COX

Look, maybe I don't want to fill Little Boy Blue's head with fairy tales and happy endings. Maybe I don't want to set him up for disappointment. Do you realize where I work? This is a hospital. A place of death. A serious place.

JD and Turk flash past. They are holding hands and skipping, singing the "Laverne and Shirley" theme song.

JD/TURK

(SINGING) We're gonna do it!

DR. COX

I work where the thought of unicorns and magic elixirs are the antithesis of reality. Do you want him growing up to be an idealistic momma's boy who cries every time he finds out yet another sugar-coated lie isn't true?

JD

I like a good cry. Tears are water for the soul.

JORDAN

If you weren't such an asexual ball of bitterness and frustration, I'd think you were cheating on me.

Jordon turns to leave and Dr. Cox rants after her.

DR. COX

So many lies, Jordan! He's almost one-year old now. How old does he have to be before he deserves the truth about Santa Claus?

JD

Wait. What is the truth about Santa?

Dr. Kelso walks up to the station and grabs a clipboard.

DR. KELSO

Trouble at home, stallion?

DR. COX

You know how it is when you don't see eye-to-eye with a subordinate.

JD

You know what I think? She is just upset because you spend all of your time here and-

Drs. Cox and Kelso look in mock shock at the insubordinate JD.

DR. KELSO

This is what I think. He's here all of the time because someone needs to watch the monkeys tend to the patients. When he isn't here, patients die. And when patients die, the hospital gets sued. And when the hospital gets sued, you get fired. Then you can go to a community college and explore the exciting career path of a feelings counselor! SO when you and your high-fiving buddies—

Turk walks by with some other surgeons and Turk slaps JD a high-five as he walks past.

DR. KELSO (CONT'D)

--decide to stop screwing around and begin to save lives instead of taking them, Dr. Cox is here as your keeper.

(MORE)

DR. KELSO (CONT'D)

Like Big Brother, watching you until you screw up and I can fire you and replace you with a real doctor.

JD

Harsh. I'm gonna need another grilled cheese. Turk!

**FADE OUT.**

**END OF COLD OPEN**

**ACT ONE**

**FADE IN:**

**INT. HOSPITAL – HALLWAY - DAY**

JD is standing in a hallway, staring in a room. A tight shot of the hospital bed shows a little girl in the room crying. She has a shaved head, and is a terminally ill patient.

JD'S NARRATIVE

After a while of working in a hospital, you start to think you can handle anything. But these sick kids, the ones who will never leave, or have a normal life… Hey! I can handle sick kids! I'm a doctor. What I can't handle are sick kids' parents.

The shot pulls back to reveal the girl's parents arguing with each other. There are two Make-A-Wish representatives in professional suits. One has a button on his lapel that says, "One LAST Wish," with the word LAST in a large red font.

SICK KID'S DAD

Come on! It would be a spectacular way to go.

SICK KID'S MOM

It's her wish!

SICK KID'S DAD

She's my daughter. She's not the only one who is losing something here. Part of this wish should be for me too!

SICK KID'S MOM

Why don't we get her a couple of hookers then?

MAKE-A-WISH REP 1

Um, we couldn't sponsor a wish like that.

SICK KID'S MOM

Do you hear that? Now they aren't going to sponsor her!

JD begins walking to the nurse's station.

JD'S THOUGHTS

Those Make-A-Wish people are so giving. I love those guys!

Elliot walks to the station and joins JD.

ELLIOT

I hate those guys!

JD

Who?

ELLIOT

Those stupid Make-A-Wish people.

Turk walks up in time to chime in on the conversation.

TURK

Make-A-Wish? I know you are terribly insecure and unusually elitist, but how could you have a problem with what they do?

ELLIOT

They only grant wishes for sick people.

JD and Turk stare at each other in disbelief.

TURK

Well that's sort of the point, Elliot.

ELLIOT

(RIGHTEOUSLY) For sick people who are going to die. Don't you see the waste in that?

CARLA

Elliot! Those wishes are only for very special people who are soon to pass this realm.

DR. COX

For people who are dying! We work in a morgue, why can't you people come to your senses and stop dancing around it?

ELLIOT

Well, I asked them to grant my wish, and all they did was laugh at me. I felt so rejected. And not only that, but I felt like my wish had been rejected too.

JD

Ooh! I know what that feels like. You know what works? Turk makes a fabulous grilled cheese-

DR. COX

Your wish was rejected because it was probably stupid and involved something pink and disposable.

ELLIOT

I wished for the same thing I've always wished for. Well, it's a two-part wish. Part one is where I get a pretty pink dress, like a Cinderella ball gown. (IN MOCK ELEGANCE) Part two is where a knight in shining armor approaches from the mist to inquire as to my heart's availability.

The Janitor is standing looking longingly at Elliot.

ELLIOT'S ECHO VOICEOVER

A knight in shining armor approaches-

Everyone looks around at each other in confusion as the VO is heard by all. The Janitor, face enraptured, drops his mop and rushes away, as if he had a novel idea.

DR. COX

I get the pink dress. But your heart's availability? As in donor? Look Larry, you will die without your heart. It is the thing that pumps blood through your veins. Here's a tip: Donate your brain, it's just laying around anyway.

JD

You could wish for cancer.

TURK

JD! Who would wish for cancer?

ELLIOT

I already tried that. Apparently, you only get one wish.

**FADE OUT.**

**ACT TWO**

**FADE IN:**

**INT. HOSPITAL - DR. KELSO'S OFFICE – DAY**

Ted is standing expectantly in front of Dr. Kelso's desk.

DR. KELSO

You'll never get away with this!

TED

Yes, I think I will! And you will pay.

DR. KELSO

You just wait until I find a way to get you back!

TED

If you didn't want anyone to know, you shouldn't have taken her to a public place. And to think that you have been doing this sort of thing for years now?

DR. KELSO

You just keep your mouth shut.

Dr. Kelso tosses a wad of money across the desk. Ted thumbs through the wad, his mouth open in disbelief.

DR. KELSO

I wasn't speaking figuratively, Ted. Close your mouth.

**INT. HOSPITAL – SUPPLY CLOSET – MOMENTS LATER**

Ted is rummaging around in a darkened supply closet and hides the wad of money behind some medical supplies.

TED'S THOUGHTS

No one other than me has a key to this room. I'm going stick this money here until it cools down. Someday, it will finally be my turn around here.

**CONTINUOUS **

We follow series of shots showing the Janitor. He has a contented, common face on as if he were running errands. We watch him leave the hospital, and then cut to him in a taxi, then cut to him in front of the costume shop.

**INT. COSTUME SHOP – DAY**

The Janitor is speaking to the owner of the shop.

JANITOR

Give me your shiniest suit of armor!

SHOP OWNER

When did you need it?

JANITOR

Now.

SHOP OWNER

I only have one suit of armor sir, and it leaves tonight for a costume ball. Sorry.

JANITOR

That's no problem. I'll only need it for an hour or so.

SHOP OWNER

How do I know you will bring it back in time for my next customer?

JANITOR

I give you my word.

SHOP OWNER

No good. You give me a deposit. Cash.

The Janitor pulls out his wallet and sees that it is empty.

JANITOR

Uh, I'll be right back.

**CONTINUOUS**

We follow the reverse continuous series of shots that take the Janitor back to the hospital. We again see the same calm face as we cut through the trip. We watch the hailing of a taxi outside of the costume shop, him sitting in the taxi, and then walking back through the hospital entrance.

**INT. HOSPITAL – SUPPLY CLOSET – MOMENTS LATER**

This is the same closet that Ted hid his blackmail money in. The Janitor reaches his hand up to the supply shelf and pulls out the freshly hidden money.

JANITOR

(TO HIMSELF) It's never going to be your turn around here Ted. I mean, who has all the keys?

The Janitor pockets the money, and cheerfully wields his huge ring of keys.

**INT. HOSPITAL - CAFETERIA - LATER**

Turk, Elliot, Carla and JD are sitting at a table, eating their meals. Each person has a large piece of pie in front of them, except for JD.

TURK

Oh, this pie is so delicious. JD, you gotta try some.

JD

No thanks. I have to save some room for the grilled cheese.

TURK

More grilled cheeses?

JD

It's been a tough day. I've already been rejected personally or professionally nine times today. I'm pretty sure someone else will stomp on my heart before I get home.

CARLA

Are you sure JD? The new cook they hired has a way with food.

JD

Well, I suppose I could have one bite. Pie is slightly comforting in its own way.

JD sticks a fork into Turk's pie and takes a bite.

JD

That is good.

JD's THOUGHTS

And incredibly comfy.

ELLIOT

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm not planning on spending my time off here.

The four rise from the table. They begin to walk off.

JD

I'm, uh, just going to stay here, for a little while.

As Elliot, Turk and Carla begin walking away, the Janitor, dressed in his armor clanks his way towards the trio.

TURK

What is that?

The Janitor clanks down on one knee in front of Elliot.

JANITOR

May I inquire as to the-

The faceplate of the helmet snaps shut and the rest of his words are muffled an indistinct.

ELLIOT

Oh! That reminds me. I need to recycle more.

TURK

Well, don't expect us to wait for you. (TO CARLA) Come on baby, let's go.

All three walk away, leaving the Janitor still in place on his knee.

JANITOR

(MUFFLED WITHIN THE HELMET)

Dammit Armor! I told you to shine!

JD is stuffing his face with the delicious pie.

JD'S THOUGHTS

Life can be so hard, that when you find something that makes it easier, you just have to go for it. So I find comfort in food. At least it isn't heroin.

A patron next to JD speaks up to a server.

PATRON

This pie is so good. I just have to know your secret ingredient.

SERVER

Oh, I put some morphine in it. Keeps you coming back for more, doesn't it?

**INT. HOSPITAL - NURSE'S STATION - LATER**

JD, the black nurse, and Elliot are at the nurse's station. JD and ELLIOT are both scribbling away on a clipboard.

JD

You know what I wish?

BLACK NURSE

What?

JD

I wish The Jeffersons had never been canceled.

BLACK NURSE

You know what I wish? I wish I could have some more of that pie from the cafeteria! But they said they ran out.

JD nods in an awkward understanding.

**DISSOLVE TO:**

**INT. HOSPITAL – CAFETERIA KITCHEN – JD'S FLASHBACK**

JD is standing next to the pie server laughing maniacally.

JD

I'm a doctor! I can afford as many as you can make!

**DISSOLVE TO:**

**RETURN TO SCENE**

ELLIOT

You know what I wish?

Everyone who is in this scene, patients and random passing doctors chime in on the next line.

EVERYONE

Yes!

DR. COX

Wishes? How Princess Rainbow of you all! You know what I wish?

JD

That you and I were related?

DR. COX

I wish that a raging inferno of hell-

fire engulfs this hospital and everything in it and sends it to a crisp straight to hell. And that I burn so thoroughly that the Devil can't find enough of me to punish. It will be great! I will be gone, but you will remain. You can become instruments of the Devil's torture. He can have you "doctor" all of the new arrivals to death.

The instant Dr. Cox finishes his rant the room fills with a loud, **rushing** noise. The doctors look at each other at first in confusion, then recognition coming over their faces.

ELLIOT

Oh my God! A RASH!

All doctors begin a mad dash for the exit. While JD pontificates, we are following the group as they wind their ways down halls and dash down back-stairwells.

JD'S NARRATIVE

There is nothing more frightening than being in a hospital and NOT BEING ABLE TO LEAVE. Every time someone yells "Rash!" It usually means quarantine! Sometimes, if you are quick enough, you can get out before the lockdown. And just because we are doctors doesn't mean it doesn't get kind of ugly. Faced with being stuck here, it comes down to every man for himself.

As the doctor's are nearing the final exit, they begin to stampede. People are knocked to the ground and others are rushing over them. JD and Elliot are running as fast as they can, leaping over bodies, until they get to a familiar shape. Carla is lying on the ground. We hear a loud **clang** as the doors shut and lockdown commences.

JD

Carla! What happened?

CARLA

That selfish bastard ran without me.

We see Turk outside through a window.

TURK

(APOLOGETICALLY, MOUTHING THROUGH THE WINDOW)

Sorry, baby!

**FADE OUT.**

**END OF ACT TWO**

**ACT THREE**

**FADE IN:**

**INT. HOSPITAL - NURSES STATION - DAY**

JD, Carla and Elliot are in their street clothes, and looking bored. JD looks sick and is draped over the counter, his face resting flat on its surface.

JD

I hate it here.

ELLIOT

So do I.

JD

I want to go home.

CARLA (ON THE PHONE WITH TURK)

And now I'm stuck down here. You better hope I don't get to come home tonight.

JD'S THOUGHTS

I think those pies are taking their toll on me. Turk's grilled cheeses never hurt me like this.

The Janitor walks up to the station, back in his uniform, with a giant duffel bag, stuffed with the bulky armor.

JANITOR

I need to get out of here too. (TO JD) You! Are you in on this?

JD

No. Although, if it's making you this unhappy, I wish I had thought of it.

JD'S THOUGHTS

Wow. Would I deliberately catch a highly communicable rash for the express purpose of torturing Janitor?

There is a loud **woosh** as the closed doors to the hallway fly open. A hiss of mist shrouds the doorway, and we can hear **heavy mechanical breathing. **A figure steps out of this mist, clad head to toe in a shiny silver decontamination suit. He is waving a detector back in forth through the air.

ELLIOT

Oh come on! Could they over-react any more? It's probably just a diaper rash. Do we really need the ET suit?

Dr. Cox runs by.

DR. COX

(TO JD) Newbie. Upstairs.

JD

I'm off duty.

DR. COX

So am I. Upstairs. Now!

**INT. HOSPITAL - PATIENT'S BEDSIDE – MOMENTS LATER**

JD and Dr. Cox are standing next to each other. Each looks exhausted, as they have been there for a long time. They are looking at a deceased patient.

DR. COX

Well, there goes another one. Slippery little bastards, eh?

JD

Dr. Cox, you can go home if you want. I will cover things here.

They walk out of the room and towards the nurse's station.

DR. COX

I don't want to go home. Sure, sometimes I miss the kid, but Jordon is there. She's probably stuffing his head with some lousy fairy tale right now. I can see it: She's reading some sappy story where everyone lives happily ever after. He's probably lapping that stuff up like anti-freeze at a petting zoo. Besides, I leave here; I'm going to have how many stiffs emblazoned on my conscience? You new excuses for doctors have killed so many that I count dead patients instead of sheep when I need some shuteye.

JD'S THOUGHTS

I'd never seen him like this before. Oh yes! I can feel it! He's going to open up to me.

JD

Dr. Cox? Do you want to share?

DR. COX

No, Linda. I don't want to share. I just-

The shiny-suit man walks up to the station, removes his helmet and clears his throat.

SHINY-SUIT MAN

All clear everyone. The necessary quarantine has been deemed unnecessary.

Everyone around pauses and looks at him expectantly.

SHINY-SUIT MAN

False alarm.

The room nods in understanding and people begin to filter out of the hospital.

CARLA

Oh thank god. I was afraid that we wouldn't be able to leave until tomorrow. (POUTING) I can't stay mad at Turk for long. At least I'm still angry enough to go home and yell at him.

SHINY-SUIT MAN

(TO ELLIOT) Excuse me doctor? Forgive me for being forward, but are you, uh, seeing anyone?

Elliot hops into his arms like an enthusiastic bride.

ELLIOT

I've been waiting for you!

SHINY-SUIT MAN

You have? Would you like to go get a cup of coffee?

ELLIOT

(ENTHUSIASTICALLY) Would I?

The shiny-suit man carries Elliot out of the hospital, and they walk through the crowd of people filing out. As they pass the MAKE-A-WISH people Elliot flashes them the "thumb's up."

ELLIOT

Thanks guys!

Dr. Cox and JD are staring at Elliot as she is being carried away.

JD

Well, that was odd.

Dr. Cox has a far-away look on his face.

Carla walks past them to exit.

CARLA

I guess some wishes do come true. See you tomorrow.

DR. COX

What just happened?

JD

Well, the man in the shiny suit asked Elliot if she was –

DR. COX

Unbelievable!

JD

Well, not really. Elliot's hot.

A paramedic bursts in through the doors with a bleeding patient on a gurney.

PARAMEDIC

Gang shoot-out! We have eight more coming.

Dr. Cox still looks stunned, as if he's focusing on something far away.

JD runs to the first gurney and looks back at Dr. Cox.

JD

Why don't you go home, Dr. Cox? I'll stay and deal with this.

Dr. Cox looks torn. Two more patients are rushed in; each in a similar bloody state.

JD walks close to Dr. Cox.

JD

You've taught me well. You have given me enough advice. Some really good advice too. Now go home, and teach your son some of the things you've taught me. "If your patient dies of machine malfunction, make sure to-" Well, don't teach him that one.

Dr. Cox steps away from the patients. The paramedics are shouting stats at each other, and the bloody patients are moaning.

DR. COX

Are you sure?

JD

Yes. That advice is much too morbid for a one-year old.

DR. COX

Okay. Here is something I never thought I'd say without a gun to my head: I just want to go spend some time with my family.

JD

Go.

Dr. Cox hesitates for a moment, and then turns to leave. He stops and looks back to JD.

DR. COX

Good luck, Doctor.

Dr. Cox strolls out of the hospital like a changed man, with a little jaunt to his step. JD stares at him for a quick moment.

JD

Aw. He called me Doctor. He finally trusts me.

Then JD is swept away by the maelstrom of paramedics, nurses and patients.

**INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT**

Elliot and the shiny suit man are laughing and eating dinner together. She is having a great time, practically beaming at shiny suit.

JD'S NARRATIVE

The world can be harsh. Life takes no prisoners, and pulls no punches. Earth is a cold-hearted mistress, and Death is even colder.

**INT. DR. COX'S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM - LATER**

Dr. Cox is reading to his son, sitting next to his wife. Jordon is leaning her head on his shoulder and he looks happier than he has all episode.

JD'S NARRATIVE (CONT'D)

As we move through life, we get scarred. Jaded, even. But one of my favorite things about the people in my life is their ability to bring warmth.

**INT. JD'S APARTMENT – KITCHEN - LATER**

Turk and JD are huddled over a frying pan, with a patented Turk grilled cheese sizzling in the pan. Carla is laughing and Turk is smiling at her.

JD'S NARRATIVE (CONT'D)

And it seems no matter how dark life gets, and no matter how many times we get rejected, we carry on. We keep on trying. We keep on wishing. Wishing that we could live happily ever after. And we do. For now.

**INT. COSTUME SHOP - LATER**

The Janitor is arguing with the costume shop owner.

JANITOR

Of course you are going to give me my deposit back.

SHOP OWNER

I cannot do that.

JANITOR

What? You have to. This was a defective suit of armor.

SHOP OWNER

It doesn't have batteries, my friend. It's a costume.

JANITOR

It wasn't even shiny.

SHOP OWNER

Not shiny? That is my best suit.

JANITOR

It wasn't shiny enough.

SHOP OWNER(EYES NARROWING)

What do you know about making things shine?

**EXT. BEACH – BOARDWALK - DAY**

Ted is hiding in some bushes near a boardwalk. He has a camera in hand.

TED

I'm going to get another picture. I can't believe I am going to catch him again!

Dr. Kelso is walking by with the terminally ill girl we saw earlier. She is holding a balloon, and a giant stuffed bear. They are both eating cotton candy and laughing.

Ted leaps from the bushes and directly in front of the doctor. He begins snapping shots of DR. KELSO and the girl.

Dr. Kelso looks at him, nonplussed until a confused Ted finally stops taking photos.

DR. KELSO

I warned you Ted. You are not going to get another dime from me, do you understand? Turn about is fair play.

If you even breathe a word about this

(MORE)

DR. KELSO (CONT'D)

to anyone, I'll let out your dirty little secret. You know. The mullet arrest?

Ted gets a terrified look on his face.

DR. KELSO (CONT'D)

You don't want that do you?

TED

(DEFEATED) No sir. I'll see you tomorrow.

**INT. TED'S GARAGE - DAY**

We see Ted standing in front of a wall that is covered with pegboards. At regular intervals there are mullets hanging from nails with name plates under each one. In the middle of the wall we see an empty hook. Under the hook, the name plate reads "BILLY RAY CYRUS."

**INT. BACKSTAGE AT A CONCERT – NIGHT - FLASHBACK**

We can see lights and hear "Achey Breaky Heart" playing. We see the singer from behind, mullet swinging. Ted approaches him with a crazed look and a pair of scissors. Two security guards come onstage and carry a kicking and yelling Ted away.

TED

Come on! It's the nineties! Give it up. It belongs in my collection. Let it go already!

**FADE OUT.**

**THE END**


End file.
